At the age of 37 I got engaged to the love of my life. He was kind, patient, reassuring my biggest fan and my best friend.
We met 7 years ago due to a glitch on tinder, we both set the app on local and yet we somehow matched.
At first we remained friends since non of us wanted a long distance relationship but over time we decided to try it.
We lived thousands km away from each other. It was very tough, we tried to meet at least three-four times either visiting each other or meeting on a midway country.
Eventually he finally managed to visit me first and a year later I visited him and we lived together for half a year when by the end of the visit he proposed to me and promised that it would be the last time we’re going to separate.
That was back in May this year.
Since then we were preparing to get married and planning on moving in together and have kids which in turn prompted us to do thorough health check since we’re in our late 30’s which at the moment I’m almost done with.
We video chat everyday and for the past two weeks he was having health issues, mostly with breathing and almost fainting. Last time we chatted I was insisting that he change the healthcare provider and get checked again, he assured me that he was fine and will take care of it.
Yesterday he was gone from a heart attack on the night of 20-21st of August leaving me with empty promises and all by myself.
He never smoked, rarely drank alcohol and was consistently going to the gym to lose weight.
He was my best friend and I don’t even know if anyone would love me like he did. I’m so lost.

I am with my family, my friends and his are messaging me so I’m not alone. It’s even more crushing that we had so little time together.

Chocolate, cold cuts, cheese, mango and blueberries and the keyboard he got me.

was die two years ago. Just absolutely fucked. He was in his early thirties. He had his entire life ahead of him. His daughter was six months old. He was fitter than I am, funny and mean and smart

What do you mean I have to face the continual rising tide of fascism without him sending me a meme of Elon Musk wearing a cowboy hat backward on fb messenger at 1 AM

Who is going to make my birthday cake every year for the rest of my life

Who is going to drive me to the airport

Who is going to tell our dad that he can’t do the shit he keeps trying to do like he’s 35 instead of 75

Who’s going to question why I didn’t just do it his better way instead of being a bitch about it

Who’s going to keep my ass humble

It’s just so stupid. So unbelievably dumb. I can’t believe I’m going to have to live the rest of my life without him and get to see his daughter grow up when he won’t and not even get to eat a meal he cooked ever again or quote The Simpsons with him or take a selfie or help him move or all the other million little tiny things we were supposed to do for the next sixty years.

Philadelphia and sweet potato rolls.

I’m absolutely exhausted. I don’t even know where to begin. When we first got together 8 years ago I didn’t have anything. I worked any job that I could get to help out, we had tons of activities we enjoyed together. We both took care of cleaning and ate separately or got fast food together.

Fast forward to now and we have 2 beautiful children. In the past 2 years I went back to school and got my RN degree making me the official breadwinner. I work 12+ hour shifts while he works the typical 8+ hour shift as a department supervisor for a retail chain. He’s worked this same management role since I’ve met him and cannot seem to get promoted capping his income while mine has nearly doubled.

Within the last few months I feel exhausted. I drink almost every night to cope and numb the resentment. Last night we got into an argument because after 7+ years of being the one responsible for cooking, grocery shopping, meal planning, and serving food I looked at him and said, “I hate cooking.” This turned into an explosive argument to which he called me fat because, “I serve myself food and cook but don’t do any of that for him” and he’s “so skinny” because I never cook for him or serve him food. According to him, I NEVER serve him food, I only serve myself and the kids 😒

On top of this explosive argument, we’ve been fighting for the last year because how much of a chore sex has become as well. According to him he wants me to initiate sex because “one time I rejected him so he’s JUST NOT GONNA TRY ANYMORE”. So, great, another burden on my plate. Now I’m responsible for planning and initiating sex too (so sexy wow I know).

I’m just tired yall. I just got to a really good point in my life and was trying to go back for one more year to get my BSN degree, but after last night I’m so numb. I’ve done all of this to provide a more comfortable life for my family yet my husband refuses to accommodate to these changes or be considerate of how any of this has changed my life.

He has a breadwinner for a wife and still insists that I prepare and serve meals 3 times a day like a fkin trad wife. Oh and he claims the reason I don’t want to do it is because, “i’m selfish, lazy, and dgaf about him enough to do it.”

***Edit: I knew this post would hit home with some, but I wasn’t expecting so much support on my part. I’m by no means Ms. Demure and Perfection, simply reflecting on the comments made in the explosive argument really made me take a step back and question when did it get this bad? When did we get so comfortable being horrible to one another?

We met when I was 19, he was 28. Yes I was young, dumb, and ignorant to the world. I was a stubborn teenager who thought she could make something of herself and build a loving family at the same time. I did things that I thought would drive our ambitions, not drive us apart.

I just want to finish this by saying this is real. This is my life. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, opinions, and advice. This didn’t all happen in one night. It is years of unresolved arguments and resentment building up. I wish I could have fixed my relationship, but there is nothing to fix and it’s a horribly angry and devastating feeling.

Waiting the night (for the last time) in the ICU with her. She went in with a headache that turned out to be a ruptured aneurysm in the brain. She was showing progress after the initial emergency procedure and then had a spasm in the brain followed by 3 cardiac arrests. Tomorrow morning they do the final Apnea Test to confirm brain death, after which they have our permission to take her off life support and retrieve organs for donation. My child free younger sibling life is going to be forever altered now that I'll be the primary caregiver for her two young kids and our elderly parents. I dont even know how to begin processing the grief despite therapy. There just seems to be so much to do and so much to take care of. She was the best big sister in the world and took care of me like a parent. I'm lost without her. Going to hold her hand all night and till she passes and just hope, even as a non believer, that that counts somehow.

Snack Haul from the hotel before we went to the concert

I went to the EdSheeran concert on Saturday and I took my sister with me we had a fun time. I bought tickets last November. I've been a fan for a long time and ive been to like seven of his concerts over the years my dad took me to most of them. My dad said I should get a hotel this time and stay the night since we live over 3 hours from the venue. So I did and when I got back to the hotel the police called to inform me that my dad had fallen out of his wheelchair and passed away very unexpectedly alone in the street. I lived with him and was his full time care giver and now it feels like I went to the concert one person and came home another. I lost my dad, my job, and my housing all in one night and I feel like i dont know who I am anymore. I just wish I was with him when it happened. I was so far away. I wish I hadn't got those tickets and I dont know how to deal with this and stay strong for my siblings and right now I never want to hear another EdSheeran song ever again

I am married to an amazing man. We have a life I love. We have a beautiful home, we travel, we have great relationships with friends and family, and we both built careers we are proud of. About eighteen months ago, I started to develop a limp on my left side. I decided it was age related, so I committed to adding strength training to my workouts. I continued to get weaker, lost the ability to walk in heels, and started struggling to make it up stairs. My initial lab work was unremarkable, but X-rays and a MRI revealed spinal nerve compression. A neurologist confirmed the diagnosis with EMGs and nerve conduction studies. Even though I had no back pain, every physician I saw diagnosed me with spinal nerve compression.

I underwent a posterior lumbar fusion a year ago, but my symptoms worsened in the first few months after my surgery. My neurosurgeon ordered more imaging, which was inconclusive. I went back to the neurologist for more nerve studies, and he diagnosed me with worsening spinal nerve compression. I had several falls and became completely walker dependent. I underwent an anterior and posterior lumbar fusion to revise the first surgery, and the op note says the hardware had not properly set. Four days later, additional imaging revealed some small bone chips near my spinal nerve roots so I had a third surgery to revise the fusion again.

I never missed a physical therapy appointment and pushed myself to walk with my walker as much as I could. I was determined to regain the life I loved. Despite all of my efforts, I kept getting weaker and weaker. A new neurologist saw me in February, did a third set of nerve conduction studies, and diagnosed me with ALS.

My decline seems to be accelerating and my life expectancy is short. I am completely dependent on others for everything from meals to bathing. Most of the time, the burden falls to my husband. Throughout our entire marriage, he has been squeamish about sharing bathrooms. He firmly believes husbands and wives should have their own spaces for privacy. But, he now helps me to the restroom, cleans up my potty accidents, and helps me dress. I used to do almost all of the cooking, but he stepped up and makes sure we still eat home cooked meals. He continues to thrive at work, then he comes home and manages our home. He takes me places in my wheelchair, even when he is tired. He looks for every opportunity to fill our days with joy. I know he must be exhausted, but he does it all without complaining. I have never felt so loved. I knew he was a great man. I knew he was strong and loving. Now, I know he is a far better husband than I deserve.

He’s not perfect. He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. He doesn’t like to talk about other people’s feelings. His taste in music is questionable. He thinks camping is fun. He won’t buy new clothes for himself, so he needs someone to keep his wardrobe up-to-date.

I want him to have the beautiful and adventure-filled life we planned, even if I don’t get to share it with him. I hope the universe rewards him with a beautiful, kind, and fun loving woman who will care for him the same way he’s cared for me. He deserves nothing less.

Caesar salad and tortellini with sliced Italian sausage and marinara (he made it).

i have spent the past two years working on one of my biggest goals in life; to help my parents retire and finally relax after a lifetime of work and hardship. i invested several thousands of dollars, researched where they could afford to live, found the ONLY flight they could safely take their pets on without paying a broker, among other things.

i have always been the parent in the family; an example is me starting to do their taxes since i was just 11 years old. they both speak english and went to university (my mother didn’t finish, though), and they just, i don’t know, never grew up.

i lived in multiple residential treatment facilities, the ones with 9-12 month long stays, and would have to couch surf with family between those, because my parents were either actively abusive, or just couldn’t emotionally handle anything. after years of therapy, i was able to forgive them and see their change, but i put on the rose colored glasses and they’ve been shattered.

my parents retired to vietnam, because they both have to live on minimum social security

so fast forward to them being there about 3 months. they took $6000 cash, and had another $12,000 coming, both from lawsuits. every few days my father would ask me to transfer $300-500, and every time i asked he said it was to build a cash savings here.

not only do i find out they have spent EVERYTHING minus the $1500 i have in cash here, and saved no money for our first family vacation ever, i bought the plane ticket months ago to see them in august. after learning about this, i vent to three different family members, on both sides. i found out my mother sabotaged my fathers businesses from the very beginning. she told me
we lost the business due to racism from 9/11, turns out she was too jealous and insecure about the women clients my father would drive, since it was a super high end company. she ruined his pizza business because she just didn’t like the job and wanted to not work.

my entire life has been shaped around the severe poverty, abuse, and neglect i experienced for the first 15 years of my life. now i don’t know if this is a mendable offense; or is it finally time to cut all contact.

my world is falling apart and i’ve been living a lie. dinner is from the only restaurant i regularly make a 3 hour round trip for, snow pea beef with a potato, eggplant, and carrot dish that my old host grandfather would make us.

tw child abuse

I've been worried my friend has been in an abusive relationship for a while but she vehemently denies it. She sings his praises and acts like she's never had it better. She says the only reason they aren't married is because he doesn't want her daughter losing her survivorship benefits from her father passing. I've never been extremely close to her daughter as we've lived at a distance most our adult lives but used to see each other fairly regularly still. and took her on trips a few times when i had my nibblings. when I first moved truly far away friend and i still video chatted often until she got serious with this guy. but i started noticing things like holes in walls and we went to voice only and not very often

well her daughter called me last night. and by last night I mean 3:00 in the morning. like just 5 hours ago. she had already made it to a friend's house but apparently my friends boyfriend woke her daughter up in the middle of the night because she apparently hadn't done the dishes correctly. she's got a full handprint bruise on her arm, a couple bruises and welts across her back, and an audio recording of it going down. she sent it all to me and ive been crying all morning. She said she doesn't think ger mom gets hit but she says her mom has watched her get hit hard before. and honestly that just kind of broke me.

I'm so disappointed in my friend. and concerned for her, and revolted honestly. part of me is still worried about her but as someone who has had custody of four of my nieces and nephews and is currently spending time with my 9-month-old I just can't imagine watching a man beat my child without overwhelming rage

fuck.

daughters paternal aunt will be in town in a few hours and they're going to call police. she asked if i can call CPS after her aunt gets there because apparently the cops have gotten involved before but cps didn't

so now I'm waiting on the okay to turn someone i love dearly into cps.

this fucking sucks

breakfast is a bunch of shit on tortillas i left in the oven a lil too long bc I'm frazzled

edit to add-i thought it was obvious from the post but I'll absolutely be calling, but i will absolutely not be calling until the aunt is there because I'm not risking her going to the children's home if avoidable.

UPDATE:

the girl is safely at her aunt's house, my call is in, and they already have an investigator scheduled to be there in a few hours. The aunt is calling me later tonight to catch me up as I've apparently missed a lot

Next day update

TW: violence, abuse

Things were escalating for a while and I was planning on leaving him. We got into a fight and he assaulted me for the second time this week. This time he almost killed me. He cut off my breathing with his forearm until I passed out. I thought I was going to die. Im 15w pregnant and I was worried about the baby so I went to the hospital. The social worker at the hospital told me that me and my baby’s lives are in danger if I go back home. She helped me find a room in a women’s shelter. I went directly from the hospital to the shelter and haven’t been home since. I texted my husband that I need space. Ive been ignoring all of his calls and texts and turned off my phone at night.

Everyone keeps trying to get me to press charges but I’m scared to involve the police. Leaving him was so hard. I did it and now I’m being told that if I don’t report it I must not love my baby. I’m scared of how he will react to that, he’s very anti police, big on street code and loyalty. He travels internationally for work and I don’t want to ruin his life. I don’t trust that the police can protect me from him and I don’t want to make him more angry. I’m worried I could get in trouble too. He was holding me down and I bit his arm so hard, my teeth pierced his skin and left a mark.

I wasn’t prepared at all to leave like that. I don’t have anything with me. I wasn’t expecting to not come home from the hospital. I’m worried about my cats. I don’t have my laptop with me and won’t be able to work. It’s so hard. I hate it here. I want everyone to leave me alone. I have to share a room with 3 women. One of my roommates won’t stop talking so I’ve been hiding under my covers.

I think this is boiled cabbage, potato and ham.

Egg & rice with some kewpie

Finally found a “real” gynecologist office after just going to Planned Parenthood for years. I needed a pap smear and I’ve also been dealing with (TMI) pain with insertion and urethra pain after sex. Also my cycle length got hella long lately after being very consistent with my Mirena IUD. All normal things to want to ask a gyno about right?

I had to schedule with a male gynecologist which I regret so much now. I’ll give you a list:

- He’s a man so there had to be a nurse/PA in the room with us, so now there’s two people seeing my private areas instead of just one. Unavoidable but still.

- He told his PA to start the exam, not even looking at me or talking with me at all, and she just started inserting the speculum without any warning. When I winced they acted surprised.

- When he took over the exam he also didn’t give me any warning before inserting and widening the speculum. I have no idea why the PA needed to insert and remove the speculum before he did the actual exam.

- Did not let me know he was doing the pap smear until he was already doing it.

- I had to ask him if anything he saw during my pelvic exam could explain my issues, he never brought up my concerns without prompting and gave me one sentence nothing answers.

- Began inserting his fingers into my vagina with no warning while talking to me about something unrelated. He then stood above me, hand inside, to reach over the drape to press on my stomach and feel my uterus/ovaries without informing me of it beforehand or explaining anything. I don’t remember anything he said because I was so caught off guard. I felt like I was being compressed from the inside it was AWFUL with no warning or context.

- Did not address my cycle length, pain, or concerns at all. Stock questions only, no concern for my specific situation.

- Prescribed me estrodial cream and his only explanation was because “it makes it firmer, in a good way” and told me to “use it whenever you feel you need to”.

- When I asked if I could safely have sex with my fiancé while using this cream, he said “Well he’s not going to grow boobs.” I gave up after this.

- Told me I could order dilators from Amazon if I wanted. Didn’t tell me how or why to use them.

- Never introduced himself. When they asked me who I saw at check-out I had no idea.

My fiancé is furious and it just made me so upset. My fiancé wants to come with me to all my gyno appointments now and I agree, because I can’t trust these doctors at all!

What’s the point of having the PA there to “witness” anything if she’s just going to do the same uncomfortable stuff and just stand there while a doctor treats me like that.

I don’t want to hate male gynecologists but this was the last straw for me. I hate that I need my fiancé in the room with me to feel safe while I’m supposed to be getting healthcare.

I've lost the love of my life a few weeks ago. He was gone in a very tragic, very brutal accident. I am still in shock.

We were inseparable for almost 5 years when we started talking on Reddit by mistake. He was the kind of man whose presence made everything feel right. Incredibly kind, incredibly loving, handsome, and strong. I was SO lucky to have found him and knew that from the very first few messages.

We were going to move in together and get married.

Buying snacks and treats for us to try was his thing. We loved the normal stuff, grocery shopping together, cooking at home, trying new things. He absolutely loved this peanut butter and had 2 of these jars in his freezer.

I took them with me after the funeral, and over the last few weeks, I've been having a scoop on days when it hits me extra hard that he's really gone. I'm now about to finish the last of it, the last treat he ever got, the last I will ever try.

I'm crying writing this, I'm crying eating this while at the same time being so numb and lost.

He was a good one. A love like this doesn't happen all the time. I was so lucky to experience it, I'm really grateful for him and to him.

Edit: As for the peanut butter, it's Nerdy Nuts, he liked many kinds from them but especially this pistachio one (Dubai chocolate treat I think it's called)

TW.

Tomorrow is my one year wedding anniversary and my marriage feels completely on the rocks.

The year:

May & Jun: Amazing wedding and amazing honeymoon. Literally best days of my life.

July & August: Husbands work demands unpaid overtime—13 hr days 6 days a week—he is under contract to buy the company so he agrees.

August & September: we both get horrible long-ish Covid. We decide to move to the middle of nowhere because we feel broke (remote workers) due to overtime and covid work loss.

October: Get pregnant, so happy, yay 💗 hard summer but it all feels okay now. Can’t move into new house because some things need to be fixed first, but it’s okay enough.

November & December: We travel back to the USA (we live in Europe) to see family and wait for the house to be ready.

Buuuut husband’s job stops paying him completely and expects him to work regardless 🙃 It’s 2/3 of our income and our families live in a HCOL place.

I develop HG & I can’t work. I throw up 7-9x/day.

In-laws treat me like a flesh-vessel for their grandchild.

January: We have to extend our trip because I am so sick. Still no paycheck for nearly 3 months. Savings depleted, credit cards maxed. No money to buy a single pair of maternity pants.

Doctor won’t see me. Urgent care won’t help me. Everyone tells me to take Tylenol.

February: return to Europe to find out our new house is literally unlivable. Plant waterer killed all 32 plants (took our money and didn’t water). Last straw was when our neighbor tried to scam us for €1k/monthly in fake utility bills.

We pack two suitcases and move into a second temporary place back in the city.

One morning I sit down to pee and instead my water spontaneously breaks.

I go into labor and I almost die. I have at least two systemic infections. We have a stillbirth to our perfect daughter.

I can’t describe the emotional pain of leaving the hospital empty handed.

We are broke and alone. We have to borrow money from our parents. We have to get debt consolidation.

No one (NO ONE) even offers to come visit us. Local friends weirdly happen to be all out of town. Husband has to do everthing. We order takeout daily for every meal. I am on heaps of antibiotics and medicines.

March-May: We both have PTSD. I have PPD. We fight about money constantly. I still can’t work much. Husband is building other revenue streams (impressively quickly tbh). We move into our second new house of the year.

We own nothing because we’ve been living in furnished places since moving abroad. We have no money to furnish. We continue to fight about money.

I am diagnosed with cervical insufficiency (awful treatment when pregnant) and endometriosis. I am so emotional all the time.

One day, I randomly fall down the stairs. I break my foot. I break my nose.

In laws & family pretend I was never pregnant. In-laws and my dad quietly cancel their trips to visit us for when the baby was supposed to be born.

I scream, way too often. Daily panic attacks.

I try to come to grips with my cervical insufficiency and people act like it’s no big deal. For any future pregnancy I will have to have surgery to sew my cervix shut at month 3. And then no sex, no masturbation, no exercise + maybe bed rest for SIX months. And still a 15% chance of pre-term labor with all of that. It makes me never want to be pregnant again.

I’ve gained 30lbs (I’m short) and have stretch marks on my boobs from my milk coming in. My husband says that he still finds me attractive, but I’m not so sure he does. Happy 1 year.

Xorta & fresh bread.

I DON'T EAT LIKE THIS only ordered 2 donuts from Timmies and they cleared their case😭 Help. Also eating in my bed because it makes feeding the baby easier. He needs to be in my lap at all times...

Trigger warning for death mention.

I lost the father of my baby during my pregnancy. We met after I lost my mom, and he lost his dad. We just understood each other in complicated grief and a lot more. He was the only person to fully understand me. I never felt more comfortable around anyone. Like I said, he's now gone. I've been numb ever since.

I had the baby and felt nothing towards him beyond instinctual stuff. Just this slight discomfort if he's out of my sight or in someone else's arms. Otherwise, it's like having a complicated goldfish. I don't look forward to his milestones. I'm just not even here. I only smile around others because I don't want the lecture about how much joy he is blah blah blah. My primary emotion is this strong apathy/irritability. Life just doesn't have the same weight it used to. I like to hope it's grief and postpartum. I'm trying to get help for both.

I wish someone could understand me where I am. My grandparents and parents are dead, and now the love of my life is gone. I don't have a support system, and every social worker asks me about it like it's a homework assignment I'm failing. I can't make people appear. I am suffering from it. If there was a resource or a family member who could I'D KNOW BY NOW. I can't afford childcare either. It's all a matter of covering someone's salary. Not possible.

I was recommended postpartum groups but if I hear someone with a partner and parents walking this earth complain, I can't control my anger. Logically I KNOW people having feelings like that in any situation is valid. I'm not myself. Even my therapist was concerned during my last session.

I've had to be strong most of my life because I didn't have a choice. I know people mean well, but it isn't a compliment. It's just a reminder I'll never be able to be soft or cared for.

I'm not looking for solutions or advice. Just a hug or two. Thank you for listening to my tedtalk.

EDIT: I had no idea I would get a response like this. I love and appreciate all of you for taking time out of your day for me. I have been scrolling through everything and responding to you guys as I can😊

TW: miscarriage
A bit of a mind fuck to have a doctor come into the room with a gloomy expression and say “I’m sorry I have bad news” and proceeded to tell you they couldn’t detect the baby’s heartbeat. First time for everything. 0/10 experience.

In July we found out I was pregnant with our 1st. I have always been on the fence, agonized over the decision for years. So naturally when we got the news, I was shitting myself but also content enough to prepare for a new chapter.

At 6 weeks, we had the 1st scan. They saw a heartbeat, congratulated us and printed out a little picture.

Yesterday, at 9 weeks, we found out we lost the pregnancy. What’s insane is the scan showed that it stopped growing at 6 weeks 2 days, which is the exact day we got the last scan. Part of me is thinking wtf did we do to offend this fetus? Ha.

This morning my husband and I held each other and he said how lucky we are to have each other, to have a ridiculously cozy and comfortable life, and 3 really dumb cats. We wondered how people go through this many times over and keep going because they so desperately dream of having kids.

I know it’s early, and I know I was on the fence, but I didn’t expect to be this sad. Watching my husband go through this also breaks my heart. And now I’m having to wait for the actual miscarriage to happen LOL honestly rude!

So many emotions.

Pic: Boba and mochi for dinner

​

Tw: infant loss. Please leave now if this is going to harm you. I have tried to block the first bit. If it's broken I'll try to work on it as soon as I post it.

My baby was born 10 years ago today (well. For 5 more mins today. B 6/24/16). My baby died 36 days later. Today, only one person remembered my baby who wasn't obligated to. It took 10 years. Not 9 but 10. The person who remembered had an alarm set and has it set forever for every year. Only 10 years

I miss my baby

Will you miss my baby with me, please?

Tell me if your favorite memories with your babies? Or Pets? Or funny kid stories? (I do have a surviving 8 year old)Tell me if your loss babies if you want? Cry about pot loss or parent loss with me? Be with me? I have family, they're here but asleep. I will be too, soon. Before too long. But is really love to wake up to stories and people to talk to, and fall asleep that way too. Or cute animals?

I'm going to include pictures of my child in the comments. Please, no one get upset. She's very much dead.

Her name was Cambridge "Cammi" Armstrong. If you think you know me from this comment and had HG, you do know me. Hi. It happens a few times a year someone will.

I had bread and butter (it goes on the bread I promise) and a Mt olive pickle and red onion pickles eta: o that's pepperoni too. Aldi.

Anyone got any advice or just wanna talk into I can manage to sleep or let me wake up to wonderful things? I'm sorry I'm asking so much. My son is away at camp and I'm sad.

edit

Oh. My. God. Almost 900 comments. I am responding to as many as I can but I am reading all of them. If you have lost a child and want to talk or need advice please please please dm me if I didn't respond to you.

edit 2:

The metrics of this post make me want to sob. Over 650,000 people have seen this post. The top three countries are the United States, UK and Canada up at 11% of the people who have read this post are not from the United States, Canada or the UK. Over 500 people have shared his post outside of Reddit. I don't have the words for what it means to me that this many people acknowledged my child's existence. I can't. I thought maybe 15 of you would see this. This is crazy.

edit 3:

Almost a million views. Y'all. 🥹🥹🥹🥹

Reposting because I was finding the feedback really comforting and helpful. Thank you.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my long-time therapist in early July.

That day she texted to let me know she was running late because she was getting some bloodwork done. She had to "figure out this virus."

Later that week she let me know she had to cancel all appointments for the time being.

This morning I learned she passed away after a brief battle with cancer.

She was basically my closest confidante for 14 years. She helped me rebuild myself. I'm so grateful to her.

I'm not sure how to feel.

Breakfast: tea, apple, popcorn.

Jamaican Chicken Curry with Rice and Peas

OG: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/wRktcMHw5n
Update 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/QJUnWvN2YI

This past Tuesday was my brother’s official trial, without it being postponed again. I finally found out what happened and his verdict. Apparently it had nothing to do with me at all like he previously claimed, which is good but not great. My bf came with me this time and I’m glad, I was an anxious mess the whole time. My brother didn’t speak to either of us the entire time but he seemed upset at seeing my bf there, like he was jealous.

What happened: He was taking part in buying distributed child pornography at a fixed rate, using cashapp to pay whoever’s selling them. The victims that were mentioned and identified were ages 7 and 16. The photos were described as the children doing sexual acts and were enough to convict him as evidence. He didn’t have any evidence on his Google Drive but it was all found on his iCloud between 2 phones and an iPad, he had been buying the content over the course of 4 years. What’s worse is that I thought it was 16 pictures he was being charged for but the prosecutor said they found 16 FILES in his iCloud. I don’t know if anyone else was caught, including the seller but I would assume they were.

The verdict: No, he will not see a day of prison. He’ll be on a strict probation for the next five years, no social media, no phones, and limited contact with anyone under the age of 18 who is not his biological children. Unfortunately, I recently found out that his fiancé is pregnant wth their second child while they already have a 1 year old boy. They clearly made the probation hard enough to where he’ll 99% chance mess up but why go through all that and just send him straight to prison???

I’ve needed the last few days to process everything and I’m just really tired. He registered as a Tier 1 sex offender yesterday and his picture looks hilariously miserable, as he should be. But I don’t think he got anywhere near what he deserves. I’ll definitely update if he ever messes up during probation (fingers crossed🤞). I’m sorry this wasn’t what everyone hoped for, I can only continue to hope he gets what he has coming in the future while I try to finish my own healing.

I don’t mind answering any questions about either case he was in

Well, my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer in Jan of this year and since then has had about 12 seizures. I have been super sick the last few weeks (starting the damn 14th) with the flu and cyclospora. This morning I had to come in early to make up for being out again yesterday and as I start seeing my coworkers show up my husband’s boss calls me. He had ANOTHER seizure. He just got back to work about a month ago. He has been through radiation and instead of chemo they put him on a new medication to keep it from growing. We had gone almost two months since his last seizure and it happened again. His mom has been living with us to help care for him and get him to appointments as I had exhausted my PTO. We literally thought we had gotten to the end and this happened. I am at my whits end and I don’t know what to do. I feel so bad for him and am so tired of staying at the hospital and dealing with his mom (I know it’s selfish, but we all just want our life back and she is a lot)… I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for the ramble

*Reposted to include food as my first post was taken down for a breakfast of a protein shake. Last night’s dinner was crispy spam with peas, onions, and spinach over rice.

**Edit to add I do have FMLA, but I’m in Indiana and it’s unpaid if I am out of PTO. We can’t afford for me to be out without pay. I do sincerely appreciate all the kind words and advice.

I used to have a really close friend group with these two girls (let’s call them Lisa and Clara). We were best friends who did everything together. We were so close from 2019, up until late 2021 when Lisa stopped responding to texts in our group chat completely. I have lost friends before, so I kind of just accepted it, figured for whatever reason Lisa decided she no longer likes me and Clara, we just needed to move on. But Clara felt differently, she was obviously very upset about losing a friend, but she thought immediately that something felt off, she thought it could be a domestic abuse issue. She attempted to reach out but could not get a straight answer out of Lisa. I thought, there’s no way, I had never gotten that vibe at all from Lisa or her boyfriend (they had been together since 2019), it must be something else. Regardless, Clara and I remained friends and moved on without Lisa in our lives.

Fast forward to today, Clara finds out from someone we went to high school with (let’s call her Penny) had recently been in contact with Lisa, and was trying to help her out of her abusive marriage (with the same person from 2021). Unfortunately, Lisa eventually ghosted Penny and she never heard from her again. So it turns out Clara’s instincts were correct. I feel so sick to my stomach over this situation, especially that because there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless, and despite not talking to her for years now this is something that’s going to stay on my mind. I worry that I’m going to wake up one day to her obituary because of his doing. I am so heartbroken.

Lisa, if you are reading this. We love you and miss you so much.

ETA: Thank to those who provided their own stories, support, and advice on this post without judgement. Please know I feel very scared and overwhelmed with all of this information so I might not exactly be thinking straight, to those that accused me of making up excuses. This is a lot to process. I am going to reach out in a way that’s is best for the safety of myself and my friend.

Btw the food is crab cakes, tuna tar tar with taro chips, and asian lettuce tacos from Jack’s All Day in NYC

Im not exactly sure how to put this all together, but in the last month, my entire support system has moved away, and I feel like im being slowly poisoned to death. My life feels like a telenovela that never ends.

My husband and I used to have a business, it was my dream. I gave up everything to move up here with him, and then eventually started our business, this was my one thing. Well, it grew to be a monster of a thing, and put a lot of strain on our marriage, our family, and our friends. It also took a toll on my health. As things got worse, we decided to close our business. We had made it 3 years with a physical space, we had a good run. And honestly, I just couldnt physically keep up anymore.

During the process of trying to save the business (we had to try right? I felt like a failure, especially if I didnt try), we moved locations. I ended up finding out that I was pregnant during this move. We had talked about having more kids before, and agreed that while we weren't trying, if it happened we would be pleasantly surprised. At this time,He was also under a lot of stress at his job as he was still new, and had to take several difficult tests for his certificates. Towards the end of the move,we got into a lot of fights, and I ended up having a miscarriage. He was very distant and focused on his job, I felt like I was going through all of it alone. I continued to move the store (2,600 sqft.) despite the miscarriage, and I was in such horrible pain every day. I knew something was wrong, and I ignored it because of everything going on.

Months go by. I am still desperately trying to save the store, working 12 to 16 hours days, every day. Yes, even on weekends. He is off enjoying his new job, traveling around the country Monday-Friday. He would come home and help with the store on the weekends as well. I thought things would maybe be okay. Then 2 days before our 2 year wedding anniversary (been together 5 years total), my best friend, and two of our most supportive customers come to me. I couldnt keep lying to myself. She showed me the pictures, the conversations.

This had been going on for 8 months. Since well before the move and miscarriage. I had asked him so many times if everything was okay. If there was a reason he was pulling away that I could fix. Our intimacy had all but died to less than once every 3 months. I thought it was because of the store. Turns out it was because he was talking to someone 17 years younger. For context, I am 33, he is 38.

I was devastated. My husband and I met 6 years ago. We talked for 13 hours on our first date, and trauma dumped each of first marriages. We had both been cheated on, and didnt want to experience it again. He promised me then that if things were off, he would communicate with me. He broke that promise so hard, it really crushed me. It's been almost a year and I'm still incredibly torn. We've been doing couples therapy, but there is still no intimacy. I have such a high sex drive that it feels like im being suffocated. He finally agreed to put life360 on his phone, but he struggles to even cuddle with me. He does whatever I ask, without a second thought, but he still cant even tell me why he did it. Hes been constantly supportive through all of my health issues, and pays for the most expensive insurance his job offers, to make sure I get the care I need. I feel like an ungrateful jerk for feeling this way.

Still, I wake up every day wondering how long will it last? When is the next time? I feel trapped by my health, lack of adiquate income, and by us having a family together. We have a teenage child who is just getting a really stable figure after me raising him as a single mom for the first 7 years of his life. I cant rip that away from my sweet boy.

What do I even do? This is miserable.

Breakfast for dinner: Avocado toast on garlic and chive sourdough, fruit, and a scrambled egg. I'm supposed to be cutting out all major carbs because of my new diagnosis, but im not ready to go cold turkey and sourdough avocado toast is my comfort food. 🤷‍♀️

EDIT: NO MINORS in this situation! The other woman was/is an adult.

Picture: baby potatoes I grew in my garden and harvest 2 weeks ago! - last nights dinner: home made patatas bravas and spicy lamb kebabs. the potatoes are roasted in garlic and herbs and butter, with a cheddar and Parmesan layer before topped with the sauce. 10/10. very messy plate but i didn’t think this was going to be the meal i shared with you lot 😂.

So I'm going to try and keep this short because this ordeal has taken over my life for the last year...

Long story short: me, a Black woman, went to a naked spa in a different European country that marketed itself as an oasis. This is something I would never do in my living country because: 1 we don’t have nude spa. 2. we are a nation of prudes. 3.I also understand what it's like to be fetishised, and placing my body in a predominantly white space to be leered at is not the one.

But my friend I went to visit suggested it. Their friends also buttressed the "you will love it and fall in love with your body" narrative etc etc.

Anyway, we get there. I was the only visibly POC there, so I'm already on guard. But my guard is lowered by the zen spa atmosphere etc this place is fucking huge. You could be there for 5 hours and still not completed the entire compound or activities..

That's when this older man latched on to me and my friend. He inserted himself in our conversations - not in a forceful way - in hindsight my friend and I can now see he targeted me from the jump (I can’t go into all of it) but we were at this spa for hours doing our own thing and our paths kept crossing. We didn't exchange names, conversation was friendly and surface level about the spare and what infusion we were going to try next . He knew it was my first time. He told us he frequented this spa often and even went to several of their other locations.

In any day-to-day situation, I would have been like "hey nice to meet you but this is just for my friend and I." But again, he hadn't done anything yet. I understand the optics of immediately being the problem should I have said anything before anything has happened, and being labelled "angry" or "sensitive." Sometimes you don't want to be the loudest person in the room to advocate for yourself - that shit gets trying. So I ignored the red flags and bit my tongue.

Anyway, he assaulted me. Grabbed my nipples like he was trying to rip them off and tried to finger my asshole all in the space of less than 10 seconds.

Staff on the ground was brilliant. They called the police. He was trying to run away when he realised he fucked up. When they asked him why he did it, he said: "I wasn't thinking."

This, gentle reader, was the last activity I had planned with my friend before I got my flight back home. I was a mess. Not to minimise it - but this in the grand scheme of shit I have grown through is nothing. However, this one has been a doozy to get over. I think it was the vulnerability, the coercion under the guise of friendliness. He knew it was my first time and still did what he did.

Anyway, I messaged the spa like: what are you doing to protect and safeguard visitors? Do you have a check for frequent visitors? Will you ban this man from your establishment? I even asked them to reassess how their spaces are monitored and how repeat visitors are evaluated.

Crickets.

Eventually, I get a response from their Administration Manager who tells me situations like mine are "negligible" and "we can't look into a person's heart."

Let me repeat that: the Administration Manager called my sexual assault "negligible." He also dismissed the staff statements this is is a regular occurrence as "misleading" - the same staff who showed me compassion and called the police.

Months later, I reached out to the spa on LinkedIn. They apologised and promised the manager would apologise directly to me.

I am still waiting.

So I'm just angry and hurt. I can't go out or be around people because what energy am I putting into the world? I’m generally extrovert (who needs 4 working days to recuperate) but I couldn’t even do the initial bit without fear of being perceived because I was just being friendly and that happened. I turn into a one-woman panopticon, constantly scanning for threats. Partner of 4 years can't touch me without me flinching. I go to therapy. I get put on propranolol.

I go to my homeland for the first time in 20 years. I have an amazing time. I'm finding my way back to myself.

And then this year - a month to the date because I wasn't even thinking about it - I receive a court summons.

It's the first time I am also finding out this motherfucker's name. I Google him and find out he is a fucking educator at a college. Even if I can't be made to go to court (different countries, different laws), I made up my mind I am turning up. Don't care about the outcome because this will show up on your records and criminal checks, and I just wanna make your life a little more difficult.

You should have seen his face when I turned up to court!!! He didn't think I would make the trip.

When I gave my witness testimony, I had to relive everything in detail. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it.

It was very chilling. Pre-sentencing and all the way through, he was playing the reverent old man act - grey hair, glasses, the whole "I'm harmless" performance. And when he heard his sentence - the body language shifted and you saw a glimpse of his real character.

He tried to deny it but the judge saw through it and asked him: "If you didn't do it, why did you say you weren't thinking?"

He got a 6-month sentence and/or a €4,000 fine. The court believed me.

Okay, so this post really was going to be a shout-out to my partner who has just been so incredible with everything this last year.

He has never ever given me any reason to doubt his love for me. But that comes with compassion, emotional intelligence, devotion, grace - not just from him but also his parents. I can't tell my family about it - they will victim blame: "Why did you go to a naked space in the first place?" But his family has been an amazing substitute.

Like, for example, before we left, his mum rang me and just said: "After all this, when you get back in the country and you think 'I can't be arsed with getting the train or the bus back (3-4 hours)', just let me know in the morning of the day and I'll come pick you up."

And when we did take her up on her offer, she turned up with cakes and spa apothecary things for me.

I just feel so loved. And seen, that I matter.

And I can't wait to see where my life will be another year on from this .

Edit!!!!- Thank you so much to everyone who has commented - I honestly didn't expect this level of response and im overwhelmed and filled with gratitude in the best of ways! 💓💕

To answer some of the questions I've been getting:

First - about my friend. I saw a comment and got a message questioning whether she protected me or something along those lines. I need to be categorically clear: she did absolutely nothing wrong. Like I said in my post, this man did nothing that was major red flags. He was friendly, he inserted himself in conversations, but nothing that screamed "danger." What he did was done in a split second when we were separated.

In fact, my friend was the one who chased him down(along with the manager on site who was a gem btw) as he was trying to run away. She wrote down everything he said in that initial moment - his exact words. That documentation was a huge part of why we even got a resolution. She was a key witness and she was incredible. So please - do not come for my friend. She's a queen and she had my back in ways I can't even fully describe.

The outcome wasn't even on my mind when I turned up to court. I just wanted him to know that I would travel to another country to face him. I wanted him to see my face and know that I wasn't going to disappear. The conviction was a bonus - but honestly, just showing up was my win.

The sentence is 6 months and/or €4,000 fine. I know that might not sound like much, and honestly it doesn't feel like much for a year of my life. But legally, what he did is classified as a minimal assault because he didn't actually penetrate. Had he made contact with my asshole and I mentioned it, it would have been the next degree up - a more serious charge. So whilst the sentence feels underwhelming, it reflects what the law allows for this classification.

He stated he didn't agree with the "sexual assault and coercion by taking advantage of a vulnerable situation" but accepted the sentence. If he appeals, it would go to the next level of court which I believe doesn't come with a fine option - just prison time. So... let's see what he chooses.

I can't give you his name as he's a convicted sex offender this only wrapped up on Friday and I don't want to jeopardise anything. But I can give you the name of the spa: Vabali Berlin.

They called my assault "negligible." They never banned him. They promised me an apology and never delivered. So if you're a woman thinking of going there - at least now you know.

Thank you again for all the love. I didn't realise how much I needed this, but here we are, we are stronger together ❤

EDIT 2:

Okay girlies - I see you and I adore each and every one of you for the reviews. 💓

But I want to gently raise that, this is to an extent still an on going case (appeal window still open) 1. I don't want my original reviews to get deleted - and I also don't want to bring any more shit to my door (German laws are weird and I don’t have my documents from the court yet for the t&cs etc) . I shared this with you so you know my story, visibility for other women and I feel like I've done that now. If you know any legal and creative ways to fuck them up; let’s go! (Lemme know first tho 👀 ha)

I can't reply to every single one of you because this got so much traction - but just know I read it all. I adore all of you. Thank you for showing me so much compassion, so much grace.

I am so so angry at the amount of women that have a similar story. It breaks my heart and enrages me in equal measure. To all my fellow Black women in the comments many of us navigating so many intersections, living in a world that’s already formed its opinions of you: just because you carry it very well doesn’t mean it isn’t fucking heavy… I love you, I see you 💓💕

Mods of Reddit I love you - can you please lock this post? ❤

Thank you all for everything.

Onwards and upwards. ✨

P.s The actual jokes of me saying I’m gonna keep this short and I’ve written an actual epistle 😅🤣

My fiancée (we’re both women), was admitted to a psychiatric hospital this morning. 2 weeks ago, everything was perfect. We just got engaged.

She’s my dream person. Kind, empathetic, funny, driven, patient. Puts up with me being emotional and will always calmly talk through things with me from a place of love. She healed my heart that had been scarred and broken by years of toxic relationships. I’ve never been with someone as supportive as her. Where I used to have to beg and ask with my past relationships, she does without thinking. Literally just touching her lowers my blood pressure. We had plans to travel the world and settle down on a farm.

I used to have this awful existential anxiety. Fear of having regrets, of not doing enough with my life, etc. But with her, that went away. I truly felt at peace and content with her. I knew that, because we’d be doing life side by side, I would always be happy. I found my person. And then everything changed.

She started to have some weird dissociative/deja vu moments. This escalated into full blown psychosis overnight. Out of the blue. She became paranoid, suffering from delusions of people hating her or behaving strangely, and believing nothing was real or that she could change reality. For a while she only trusted me. This killed me. Having to manage her stress, keep her calm, and try and bring her out of her head and back to earth. I’ve been a shell. Her family hasn’t helped me at all.

This morning, we went into the ER. They force-admitted her to a psychiatric hospital. I had to drive her. I had to leave her there while she looked at me like she barely could comprehend anything that was going on. She’s been trying to break up with me repeatedly and not knowing why, then later saying she loves me and wants to be with me and doesn’t know why she was doing that. She called me from the hospital and just sounded so… gone. Not herself. I don’t know what to do. I try to tell her to wait to make any big decisions about her life until she gets out and feels better, but it’s like she forgets everything that happens within 10 minutes.

I feel so broken and lost. I’m supposed to be starting training for my dream job out of state in a month, an achievement she was my biggest supporter through. The fact that this happened so suddenly is a shell-shock. She would cry and hold me like I was the only thing anchoring her. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just praying and hoping that she’ll come out on the other side of this happy and herself again. And in a perfect world, we can pick up where we left off someday.

I needed to get this out there. I’m sorry for the novel and the depressing story, this is just my life now. And I never thought I could be living a nightmare like this. Hug your loved ones tight for me.

Rice pudding my buddy made me with dates, pistachio, and shredded toasted coconut.

EDIT:

For the assholes in the comments: the point of this post is to finally talk about how I feel and how it’s affected me. I have spent this entire time ignoring my needs and feelings to empathize with and care for HER. Of course my top priority is her getting help and feeling better, no matter if I’m in the picture or not. But I am allowed to vent and acknowledge how I feel as well. The whole point of this post was for me to be able to do that for the first time to try and move through this. For anyone saying I’m making this all about myself, frankly, fuck you. How about you imagine the love of your life changing overnight, then spending weeks ignoring every thought, feeling, and emotion you have so that you can support, help, empathize with, and get them the care they need. At some point you need to start working through your own emotions. This post was to just get it all out there. If you think I am only thinking about myself, seriously, go fuck yourself.

I cooked a whole salmon, fried rice, and veggie dinner but after two hours of waiting for him to stop drinking in the garage after I said dinner was ready and he said “ok baby, I’ll be there in five minutes,” I just went gave up and went for a few bites of the rice and veggie part. Whatever. Pepsi Zero is my only friend.

We (I’m 41 F and he’s 36 M) have gone to his doctor (I have to drive, obvi) for withdrawal benzo scripts four times in the last 2.5 months. He’ll stay off the bottle for about a week, then either he’ll reward himself or “relax” after a hard working week, promise he is cured and can have one without it escalating to insane levels in the next couple weeks, then we’re right back here.

I quit drinking 3.5 years ago after he ended up in the hospital with DTs and I knew I couldn’t be a supportive partner and ever have just one again and act like he’s the jerk when he has one. My life is somehow completely run by alcohol now WAY more than it was when I was actively drinking. Haven’t had a drop, do not miss it, and my life is absolutely miserably controlled by alcohol.

And I’m over here freaking out about money and what my mom and family are going to say because I feel embarrassed in a way like I failed. Like I lost *my* job and couldn’t stay disciplined enough to do the damn minimum. I already feel like comments on this are going to blame me too, like I did this to myself for being here. And on top of that, I get to experience the man I love despite it all choose a disgusting cheap bottle of bourbon over me. I feel like I’m worth nothing right now.

His job was so kind and patient to him. They let him take a week off last time. He promised them he’d go to therapy and stay off it all and he was serious. Went home early yesterday because he was clearly drunk and thought it would just be fine. I personally would have fired him last summer with the DUI that restricted his license and required they hire someone new to drive because he couldn’t.

He got a therapist and has rescheduled more appointments than he’s gone to, but that’s his justification for “but I’m trying this time!”. He thinks he can compromise out of it. He’ll do anything BUT stop drinking and then act like I’m supposed to give him a gold star for missing the point.

We just bought a house and moved in two months ago. The house he needed with the land and garage so he can work all the time and have space so he won’t want to drink again. A lie in a long line of many that he seems to not even notice. I have a great career and I’m good at my job, but I can’t do all this alone. I spent the morning tailoring my résumé to try to get part time contract data work, if that’s a thing. I don’t have time, but someone has to do something and he spent his day stopping his withdrawal benzos he started and opening a new bottle of whiskey. He even somehow left the dog out in the heat OUTSIDE OUR FENCE for maybe like an hour when I was upstairs working. He just forgot her. Luckily, she a good girl and she was sitting by the fence panting waiting to be let back in for water.

I can’t count the number of rock bottoms in the last three months let alone just this week. It’s like he forgets. I am filled with so much anger and anytime I express it, it drives him to drink more. And I have so much anger. Every drink is a choice of the bottle over me. Over everything and everyone, really… it’s not just me.

He also likes to blame my lack of getting pregnant for his drinking. This morning, I started my period. When he finds out, that will be his next excuse to drink and I’ll feel even lower than I do now.

Jimmy Dean McGriddle, Warm Coffee with Sugar and Milk.

​

I've(21f) been dating my boyfriend(23m) for nearly a year. Our anniversary is in two weeks. We have been living together for 7 months. Many external factors forced us out of our separate homes and we chose to move together and try our best at life with each other.

​

Our relationship felt perfect, for a while, as many do. He was beyond sweet. Beyond caring. Beyond considerate. Paragraphs upon paragraphs of sweet sentences, great connection in person. It felt superhuman, looking back at the life we had. We would swim in lakes and rivers until midnight, travel the state on what gas we had, pulling each other through life and eventually moving in together.

​

We moved in together in December. An amazing deal on rent up in a mountain town. We spent the first months exploring the woods. Building our connection further. Up until this point he had seeded my brain with words of devotion. "I have never been this close with anyone" "my whole life I've been waiting for you" "you are the only woman I have ever dreamt of, I've never loved like I do with you". We had bonded on bad past experiences, and from what I knew on my end we were BOTH treating the other with every ounce of effort we could. Building a life. Our bedroom life had been okay in the beginning, exploration and connection and mutual interest.

​

Two months into living together we argued on my birthday. Things were growing comfortably and I hadn't put much mind to it. He had been trying to find a job but no luck so far. Whatever.

​

On Valentine's day he didn't get me a thing, I had gotten him a fox skull (shared hobby). I had started to feel something in my gut. The dreams started. I had dreams of accounts, dreams of women's faces that I didn't know. I'd wake up sick, nauseous. This whole time he still spoke of deep love and devotion, albeit much less frequently. Our adventures seemed to start fading into nights on the couch not talking. He felt far, I tried to reach him, it would work for a few days and then the cycle would start over. Bedroom activities started to fall into monotony. Same positions every time (not that there had been much variation to begin with), no talking, no romance with it. In the beginning we had light bdsm practices, much lighter than what I've known previously in my life, that had faded away too. I thought that he just cared too much and was too nice of a guy to cause me any discomfort.

​

I had tried many things to reintroduce chemistry. I bought him flowers. In his words: "I've gotten flowers for others a lot, but no one has ever gotten them for me. This is so kind". He still hasn't gotten me flowers to this day. I took him to dinner multiple times, as he used to take me in the beginning and it had been a bonding thing for us. It didn't really do much. I put on my best clothes just to lounge around the town with him. I cooked him food every night and shared his cigarettes on our patio even though I'm not much of a smoker.

​

The dreams got worse over time. I saw visions. One day, a week or two ago, I found that my cats had gotten into the storage room of our apartment and tore out a bunch of his belongings from a shelf. There was a journal there. Inside was poetry about one of his exes. Nothing about me of course. (He later claims that he had written everything years ago and hasn't thought to throw it away). The poetry was gross. It was obsessive about this other woman. Deeply sexual in ways that he has never been sexual with me. This is one of his exes, one of three that he claimed he has ever had. Additionally, he has never written any poetry about me. Well, one poem, where he called me "hideous to the modern world, ideal to me" or something to that nature.

​

This just ruined most things for me. I started to feel sick most days. Our romance had severely stagnated, save a few days where he would be suddenly back to the guy I once knew. We rarely had any sort of intimacy at this point, and if we did it was more similar to a machine function rather than human connection. Same movements, same actions.

​

Two days ago I woke up with the worst sickness I had felt in a while, nearly flu-like. I knew I needed to look at his phone. My soul was telling me to do it. I found ancient chats he hadn't deleted with some of his past partners. All of those sweet things he told me, things that he supposedly only felt for me, were felt many times. I found chats with talking stages and similar conclusions. I even found pictures of them in his camera roll that he hadn't deleted. Dates in the woods, festivals, music shows, picnics, dates that had effort put into them. Things that he has never done for me, really. Things that I've asked for and pleaded for. Flowers, picnics, love notes, poems. The whole nine yards. Never about me. It was bad enough.

​

Then I found his hidden folder.

​

Nearly 600 pictures and videos. So many naked women, nudes galore, sex tapes of him with multiple women. Every shape size and color a woman could be, there they were. So many different women, not a single one looked like me though, I guess that's how it is in a lineup of every body though. Big, small, bones, flesh, boobs, vulva, feet. All women he had known or been with. Sex videos. Sex outside. Sex in graveyards. Sex with meaning. Insane sex! Cutting each other and smearing bloody limbs and bodies together. What WASNT there.

​

Out of 600 files, one was of me. A shitty boob picture I sent him like 5 weeks into our relationship. He had never done anything like this with me, we had never even had sex in these positions, or in any odd places. I was floored. It was like peeling back the wallpaper to your bedroom and finding 37 hallways leading into a labyrinth. Who was this man? What the actual fuck did I just find?????????

​

I was shaking so badly I had to put the phone down. Why did he have all of these pictures of these women, videos WITH these women. Did they know? Were they okay with him having these? All of the videos were consensual from what I saw, nothing volatile or abusive thank god. This all feels wrong.

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He had told me his body count was 3 (not that it matters, I was honest about my 10), obviously the number is much higher. He had told me he hasn't really had intimacy in his life (why even lie about that?). He had told me that he's never felt as strongly for anyone else as he had me (the poems, romantic sex tapes, and intimacy photos say otherwise).

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I confronted him once he woke up, obviously. I cried so hard I burst a blood vessel. I've been staying out late at parks so that I don't have to look at him. Our love feels like a lie, and I feel like I am just a homemaker for him, after he's had his "youthful fun". When I am home he cries through the whole night. He sobs that he can't lose me. He's deleted everything and thrown the journal away. He claims that he never once looked at that folder, journal, or those texts while we have been together. That he hadn't thought of it at all. That he never thought to delete the photos, the texts, the videos because: he was focused on me with his entire soul. Sure...

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I feel stupid, I feel dumb. I feel ugly. I feel robbed of what I thought our relationship would be. I see that he hasn't treated me right since we moved in together. This feels like a sick joke. I feel sick. I feel as though I have meant nothing to him really, besides a car and bed.

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We are financially tied together. I pay all bills but he gets food money sent from his family. Without him I don't make enough to eat. Our local food bank gives out scraps to people like me. I have no way to leave, my family is across the country. There are no rentals that I can afford. I have no savings. My head is above water but that's all.

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He pleads that he's going to fix it, that he's going to make it better. I don't know how he would manage that.

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Tldr: relationship falling apart after finding a folder in his camera roll full of sex tapes and nudes, 600 nearly.

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Advise and shared stories welcome. I don't know where I am in life.

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*Sweetheart salad with fried tofu, cherry limeade. Eaten in the sunny window of my favorite cafe while reading a graphic novel*

This is a post in which I admit to being a terrible person.

My sister has schizoaffective disorder. She is currently in the middle of an episode and was last seen running down the side of the parkway after jumping out of her boyfriend's car. I feel nothing but a vague sense of disappointment.

I have watched her blow up her life again and again. Getting arrested, dating abusive men, stealing from family, abandoning jobs, drinking and drugs, disappearing. Over and over. And I'm just numb.

She has hurt every member of our family in different ways and I know I've gotten lucky compared to others. But some things are unforgivable. And she absolutely lacks the self awareness to understand or care what she's done to others.

Honestly I'm just waiting for the call that she has died. Not because I want it, but because it feels inevitable. We've gotten her in treatment, we've gotten her on meds, we've paid her bail and not reported her crimes. It's been a decade and it just doesn't work.

Eventually she's going to OD, or get murdered by one of her semi homeless drug addict boyfriends, or get hit by a car (again). I feel like I'm mourning her in advance. I've cried for her, I've stayed out all night looking for her. Sat up by the phone waiting all night for a call. Over and over. And every time, I feel a little less.

I will love whatever time we have together but I'm done getting pulled in.