r/oneliners • u/NoWanFamous • 23h ago
The average person is really mean.
109
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r/oneliners • u/Revolutionary_Bad313 • 22h ago
I lost the instructions to my bear trap and I'm hopping mad
6
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r/oneliners • u/Superb-Control5184 • 1d ago
I wonder if Jefferson Davis was voted most likely to secede in High School?
75
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 2d ago
My friend just asked me if I had plans for the fall, & it took me a moment to realize she meant autumn, not the collapse of civilization.
74
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r/oneliners • u/FireProps • 2d ago
Juggling is just one of those things that has always gone over my head…
16
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r/oneliners • u/ajcpullcom • 2d ago
“Officer, how can I possibly be expected to read a speed limit sign at 103 miles per hour?”
39
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r/oneliners • u/InjuryLate4826 • 3d ago
My doctor said I'm so healthy that by the time i stop living, I'll already be dead
13
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 3d ago
It's a big purple flag if a woman is colourblind
8
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r/oneliners • u/breck • 7d ago
I gave a quarter of my $1M lottery win to charity and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
172
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r/oneliners • u/sevensixthough • 6d ago
I'm working on my Lindsay Clancy standup routine and I've got like three jokes but I think I'm gonna get rid of them
0
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 7d ago
I can't go to the innuendo seminar so I've entered my friend instead.
90
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r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • 7d ago
I wear the pants in our relationship, but let me just ask the wife!
0
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 9d ago
I was asked to name 2 structures that hold water, and I was like well, dam.
143
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r/oneliners • u/NoWanFamous • 8d ago
When you donate a kidney they always take the right one out so that you have one left.
44
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 8d ago
After my traumatic brain injury my doctor said I need to take one tablet in the morning, and another one in the morning
8
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r/oneliners • u/OhTheHueManatee • 9d ago
My optometrist says I’m not looking so good, my gastroenterologist says I need to get my shit together, but at least my oncologist says I’m showing real growth.
72
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r/oneliners • u/Kind_Worry_9836 • 8d ago
I have multiple personalities but they're all called the same name.
0
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r/oneliners • u/benjimans • 10d ago
Why do people still use imperial when the metric system is objectively 10/10?
37
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